In a move that economists are describing as “bold,” “confusing,” and “somewhere between performance art and economic terrorism,” President Donald J. Trump has re-entered the socioeconomic Octagon with a sweeping policy right hook: tariffs on literally everyone. From Canada to Cambodia, no nation is spared. “Europe has been getting too uppity,” he reportedly said to journalists while eating a Big Mac. “I call it the Art of the Steal-Back,” Trump announced at a rally held in a half-built casino that may or may not be bankrupt. “For too long, other countries have been laughing at us. Now we’re taxing their laughter, and the air it uses, and the ground they stand on.”

Within minutes of the tariff announcement, global stock markets plummeted with the speed and grace of a dropped bowling ball. NKE, FTSE, TSLA, and every other acronym known to Wall Street’s lucky bull dropped faster than Trump’s approval rating after suggesting that NATO should be replaced by “a group chat with Yemen war plans.” Meanwhile, the Dow Jones Industrial Average collapsed so hard it dug a tunnel to China, where it was immediately taxed at 60% re-entry by Trump’s new plan to “make China pay for their own exports.”

As Trump continues to tweet about “winning the trade game” and “stopping other countries from ripping America off” the rest of the planet stares in bewilderment, trying to figure out if this is a bad dream, an elaborate prank, or simply the new normal. When asked if he would consider rolling back any tariffs, Trump responded, “I only roll forward. Like a tank. A big, beautiful, golden tank made in America—unless it’s cheaper in China. Then we’ll tariff it later.” While Trump is in his own little world, China, Japan, and South Korea -The most bitter of historical enemies for 80 years- have made an unholy alliance, with Japan and Korea selling China their computer chips, something which the US has spent more than a decade trying to prevent.

On a positive note, American-made goods are now in higher demand. A man in Mississippi sold a single potato grown in his backyard for $56 after it was declared a domestic good. He plans to retire. And, of course, companies are obviously going to do the smart thing and base themselves in the US to avoid tariffs…None of them are. Thanks to U.S. tariffs, Nintendo’s getting grilled so hard the price of the Switch 2 jumped higher than Mario on a triple-jump, ‘Ya-hoo!’ included, financial despair sold separately (Nintendo is not liable for the bankruptcy of any person or persons buying the Switch 2).

For now, the tariffs stay on, and the US Stock Market is steadily losing about $1.2 trillion in revenue each day, and has lost about $7 trillion in the first 2 days since the tariffs, with the Dow Jones Index dropping 5%, and the value of the dollar dropping a whopping 5.57%, the biggest drop since November 2022. The US is steadily losing trade revenue, and unless the Trump Administration removes the tariffs, the US is predicted to go into a huge recession this year, which we should have learned from history, is pretty normal when you try to tariff everyone. Last time a president tried to pull this with tariffs, it contributed heavily in putting the US into the Great Depression, and caused one of the worst periods of instability in American history.

Until something stupid happens again (which shouldn’t be long), good day to you all.